Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to thank the following:
1. John Oppenheimer, Leo Szilard, and Edward Teller for turning my childhood into a paranoid nightmare.
2. The handful of girls in high school that made me feel like "Igor". Picture me hunched over, shuffling away, uttering "I mean you NO HAAAARRMMM!!" Thanks for the self-confidence boost. Cheers.
3. THE CHASM OF DESPAIR, for sucking out my soul on a daily basis and running it through a wood-chipper.
4. Bullies. Eat shit.
5. The indifference of good men. Without which so many awful crimes would be stopped.
6. The local book store. Thanks for not carrying anything worthwhile and taking 6 months to get in a mass-market paperback. You rock.
7. William Friedkin and Wes Craven, for making every corner have a vivisectionist rapist or possessing demon behind it.
8. The 1982 Brewers for breaking my heart.
9. The music industry for not having a frickin' clue.
10. Farm equipment driven on highways. That's pretty awesome.
HAPPY TURKEY DAY EVERYONE!!!!!!!