Sunday, November 29, 2009


"Don't counterdict me, Rob." my Dad used to say.

Of course, he meant contradict. Just like he used to use "irregardless" which was exactly the opposite of what he thought it meant. All the same, I knew what he meant, and disregarded the faux pas.

But in a very many ways, I do "counterdict" myself. I come from two different directions in so many ways, on a mental and physical level. If it wasn't me I was talking about, I would find it much more amusing.

Let's do this in an "outline-ish" type way, since I'm one of those Rob Gordon "High Fidelity" list types, anyway.

Here are my contradictory ways.

1. RESEARCH, (or info-digging): Many have pointed this one out. My mind is a steel trap, at least when it comes to certain areas. I can remember names, years, sports stats, albums, movies, actors, directors, producers, etc. They call me the "Encyclopedia of who gives a shit". It's all tedium and minutiae, really. I can find shit. Almost anything, even without the benefit of the internet and plastic. Movies, books, albums, any kind of product someone's looking for, give me a couple weeks and I can track it down. I'm a regular fuckin' Columbo.

Then why can't I see my car keys when they're right in front of my face? Why can't I locate the pants I just took off 15 minutes ago, and where are my goddamn socks?

2. NEGOTIATION: When tempers arise at work, I am more than privy to the art of keeping calm while having someone scream in my face. I'm not saying I like it, that's fuckin' sick. I can just keep my cool. I can lay back when someone is being an asshole to me. I can step between two people fighting and bring about some sort of an agreement.

Then why do I get into a screaming match with my son about whether or not we should go to Taco Bell? Why can't I keep from arguing with my dog when she won't come to the door? It gets nasty, people. I love her furry ass, but it's 2:00 AM, cold as hell, and I'm in sweat pants. Get your canine ass in here!

3. AGILITY: I am fully capable of pulling off a pratfall that would make Chevy Chase jealous without hurting myself. I can make a diving catch of a frisbee seven feet off the ground on a brilliant football style down-and-out pattern. In martial arts training I have had an instructor use my roundhouse kick as an example of perfect form, and hold my foot up at my classmates cheek for damn near a minute. My teacher also used me as a demo for a tricky spin kick called a "hurricane", which if practiced too frequently will result in nausea-induced vomiting.

Then why can't I walk down the hallway without steamrolling the cat and scraping the side of my face on the textured drywall? And how do I manage to slamdance with the cupboards when rushing through my kitchen to show my son the frog that has planted itself of on the exterior glass of the patio door? Seriously, people I slid through the kitchen like Pete Rose heading for home and removed a cupboard door with my shoulder in the process. Do you call that graceful? Contradictory.

4. CHIVALRY: I have been known back in the day to give up my bus seat to elderly women on the bus on the way home from school. I often open the doors for strangers at restaurants, and pick up items women have dropped while in the checkout counter of the grocery store.

Then why can't I offer my sweatshirt when someone's cold? Why can't I help people off the sidewalk when they've fallen without laughing first? And why the hell can't I remember to rinse the syrup off my plates before putting them in the sink resulting in them turning into sweet Maple concrete?

5. MEMORY: I can tell you where David Whitehurst, the non-legendary backup quarterback of the Green Bay Packers in the 70's went to college (Furman). I can tell you what legendary band Robin Trower was in before he went solo (Procol Harum). I can tell you who directed the original "Piranha" (Joe Dante).

Then why can't I remember my Mother's birthday? Why can't I remember to take the trash out before I'm halfway to work? And why the hell can't I recall where I left my wallet?

These are just a few of the big questions I have to ask myself day in and day out. But instead of trying to solve these things, there are bigger unanswered riddles that plague my mind during the doldrums of the day....

1. Did "the Dukes of Hazzard" have jobs?
2. Whatever happened to Corey Hart? (Not the Brewers right fielder)
3. Did Gerald Ford find it as funny as I did when he fell down the steps after getting off of Air Force One in Austria?
4. When is America going to see the genius of the Knack?
5. Does Mick Jagger know he's hideous?
6. Does my wife think I'm as big a geek as I think I am?
7. Will my son surpass Todd MacFarlane as the greatest comic book illustrator of all time?
8. Well I ever get out of printing?
9. When will "Manhunter" be recognized as superior to "Gone With the Wind"?
10. Where are my socks?

Now you know what I'm dealing with.
Please Help Me.

1 comment:

Teresa said...

step one: don't go to taco bell