Auld Lang Psychopaths: Terror Train

The 1980 slasher flick Terror Train wasn't half bad actually.  It's blessed with a solid story, and decent young actors.  Old Hollywood legend Ben Johnson (many of you horror afficianados will know him as the Texas Ranger from The Town That Dreaded Sundown) helps ground performances that may have otherwise gotten out of control.  This was one of Jamie Lee Curtis' Scream Queen flicks before she jumped that ship, and believe it or not it presents a very young David Copperfield as "The Illusionist".

   

Oh yeah, and the biggest asshole in the cast is played by Hart Bochner, who many would know from the Christmas Classic Die Hard as the co-worker of Holly Gennaro who gets himself killed by claiming to be a friend of John McClane's.  With coke on his mustache, and Coke in his glass,  he gets that smug grin blown off of his face by Hans Gruber.  Bochner has a gift for playing dickheads.

Terror Train starts simply enough with a bunch of Freshman sorority members partying down and pulling a pretty dark prank on a helpless geek who ends up in a mental hospital as a result.  Jamie Lee Curtis is reluctantly involved in the cold hearted gag initiated by Bochner's soulless character. 

We jump three years forward and these same Med Students are going to celebrate New Year's Eve partying it up on a luxury train complete with a band, costumes, and David Copperfield's magic gymnastics.  The only problem is someone is murdering people on the train.  Is it our helpless gag victim from the beginning, or someone else?

The film is actually well written, with solid dialogue and acting from the students to the veteran Johnson as the train's conductor.  All these characters are pretty well set up from the get-go, and you get to know most of them fairly well, which makes you care just a little bit more than you would in your average slasher film when they meet their unfortunate fates.

Technically the film has a lot going for it.  It truly was shot on a train and not a set (according to Eli Roth's History of Horror) causing tricky lighting requirements provided by cinema legend John Alcott, whose career only includes A Clockwork Orange, Barry Lyndon, The Shining, No Way Out, and Vice Squad, among others.  Director Roger Spottiswoode, who would go on to a long and successful career keeps things tight and moving, and gets decent work from his actors and crew.  This couldn't have been an easy shoot. 

Kudos to all involved, and if it's New Year's horror you're looking for, Terror Train is a pretty good ride. 

Auld Lang Syne Language: Pee Wee and Me and New Years Eve

In the very early 80's, The Holidays were always very important to me, before and after my father passed away.   I had (and sometimes still do) a tendency to develop a bit of a post-holiday depression.  The way to counteract that was to stretch the holidays into New Year's Day, with the post-Christmas highlight being New Year's Eve.  My mom would often go out to celebrate the ringing in of the new year with friends, so my sister Pee Wee and I often stayed home for the big event. 

We actually had fun, (I know I did anyway) and part of that was Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve.  We would toss some Pizza Rolls in the oven, crack open some Cokes, fill the Pepsi Superman glasses and have a blast in the early part of the evening by playing board games, with Solid Gold and then maybe a movie playing in the background.  Then, when Dick Clark took the air, we enjoyed the bands playing live music from different locations across the 50 states, and then watching the ball drop at evening's end.  

It may not sound like much, but Pee Wee is a bit older than me, and it had to be a bit of a pain in the butt to spend New Year's Eve with her annoying little brother.  New Year's wasn't the only time she was saddled with the responsibility of little Rob.  All my siblings were cursed with that burden at times during this period, and I'm sure it was a pain, but they rarely showed it.  God Bless all of them.  

But it was always nice to have someone to stay up late with on December 31st and greet what would hopefully be a better year ahead, and know I was in a safe place with someone I loved.  

Thanks, Pee Wee. 

Auld Lang Syne Language: Tim, Myself, and B-ball on New Year's Eve

 

December 31, 1985

The folks were going out somewhere on New Year's Eve.  I don't remember where it was.  My brother Tim and I were getting bored.  It was mid-afternoon, and we took our restless asses and a basketball to a nearby court.  There, some guys in their late teens were shooting hoops, and asked us if we wanted to join them.  I was pretty much against it; as despite having no nerves, I had no ball handling skills.  I had a hell of a nice jump shot, but that was only if it was unimpeded and since I had no ups, the odds of it getting blocked were pretty damn good.  But Tim, competitive as his ass was, wanted in.  I guess I could just be a passer in the round and get it to a shooter, and I'd be good. 

One of these guys on the other team in our little pick-up game looked like a redneck Channing Tatum with a meth issue. He came complete, muscular and shirtless with cut off shorts and a buzz cut. He also had a bad habit of saying "It's in your booty" anytime he scored.  Those who know me, know that I have absolutely no fucking patience for that kind of repeated verbal ridiculousness.  So, as the game wore on, and the "booties" were piling up, I pulled Tim aside and told him I didn't know how much more I could take of the guy. 

That's when Tim started making it rain. 

Tim was not a tall guy, but he was quick.  He got open, took my passes and began splashing shots from all over the court.  He began to glove booty-man on defense to the point where he wasn't saying that stupid phrase anymore.  Eventually, the sun gave us a tap on the shoulder and let us know that it was time to go home.  The unknown teammates and counterparts said goodnights and happy new year as we headed off.

Except for the "King of putting stuff in your booty".  He seemed less than happy, as he gazed at his shoes while we left. 

Tim and I got back to the townhouse, called for a Domino's, drank Miller High Life, and watched movies until the New Year rang in. I believe Bruce Lee was sidekicking Bob Wall into a group of seated onlookers as the clock struck twelve.  It wasn't a bad New Year's Eve, as Waco, Texas was not exactly the high point of my youth, but it could have been worse.   

It was actually pretty damn good.  My brother is no longer with us, and times between He and I were always inconsistent, but the dawning of 1986 was actually a pretty damn good day with him. 

Happy New Year, Tim. 

Auld Lang Psychopaths: New Years Evil

 

Don't you hate blown concepts?  Like a story with potential winding up being made into a crappy movie?  Well, welcome to New Years Evil.

It seems we have a television hostess, whose program will ring in the new year in all of the time zones while people call in and tell her what they think the best song of the year is.  A pair of new wave-ish bands play along with the happenings, one called Shadow, the other, Made In Japan.  To be honest, the tunes aren't bad despite the bands looking like complete caricatures of what they are supposed to be.  Our host gets a phone call from someone calling himself the uber-original name of "Evil", and says he will kill someone as each time zone rings in the new year.  And he goes about doing this.  

Sadly, with no suspense, drama, and even less acting.  Don't get me wrong, the production values are there (This was a 1980 Cannon Film, so Menachem and Yorum were looking to jump on the holiday slasher genre bandwagon, and they spent the money), but the concept of the story is fleshed out terribly. 

Our star, the rockin' New Year Lady, looking to take over the ratings of the big networks with her low-budget program (I kept questioning that if the nets were occupied with her competition, who was carrying her show?) is played by none other than Roz Kelly,  aka Pinky Tuscadero of Happy Days infamy.  Our slasher, (in a not half bad performance from Kip Niven) does not have his face hidden, though his identity is supposed to be.  It would take someone with the IQ of a fencepost (thanks, Tom Waits) to not be able to piece together who he is from the first 5 minutes of dialogue, however. 

Some generic cops get involved, all while our killer gets sidetracked in a fairly humorous fashion by crashing into bikers while lost in thought, wearing various cheesy disguises to acquire his victims, and none of this impedes his perfectly feathered hair.   Meanwhile, our rockin' host's son starts popping drugs, and wandering around doing weirder and weirder shit leading to a completely predictable set of circumstances at the finale. 

There is however a terrific comic monologue from a future victim, as she rambles on about moving from the midwest, and the slew of mind/spirit expansion cults she's joined. (I wonder if Keith Raniere watched this movie?)  She even lists them all  in hilarious fashion.  If only the rest of the writing had achieved the level that sequence did, this could have been a hell of a movie with the fairly nifty plot device its writers hatched. 

Oh, well.  It was 1980.  What are ya gonna do?

The Santa Project : Christmas Comics

I thought I'd dabble a little bit into the four color legends for this Christmas piece, as comic books were a big part of my youth, and still a part of my adulthood.  I'll start with a 1979 Holiday Issue of Batman, my personal fave as a kid, and probably still is.  Obviously the Superman movie was on the edge of being released at the time, as evidenced by various segments of advertising throughout Batman #309.  Remember folks, this was before the Marvel MCU.  A huge big-budgeted superstar laden superhero movie was on the horizon.  And to this day, the Christopher Reeve-led Superman remains one of my favorite comic book films of all time.

 It's amazing how much comic book storytelling has changed throughout the years by comparing these two books.   In this issue of Batman, a young woman has just been mugged, with the crime observed by a beastly monster of a man who apparently had been turned into the massive wordless giant known as The Blockbuster by some local hospital experimentation.  He bears a strong resemblance to Clive Yorkin, the nightmare fuel responsible for the death of Iris West, wife of the Flash.  That's a story for another day however. 

Addendum:  Much like having to get Twas the Night Before Christmas from Bloo, I had to get Raylan's permission to read this issue of Batman.

 

Anyhoo, Blockbuster decides to take his anger out on the thugs (deservedly so, turds that they are) before following our young victim home on this rather sullen Gotham City Christmas Eve.  Our female protagonist has decided the mugging was the last straw and heads home to commit suicide via sleeping pills, but not before calling the GCPD to say good bye to anyone who will listen.  Bats follows the traced call to save the woman, but not before Blockbuster gets there first with the same intentions.  His confused mind's hatred of the hospital stands in the way of complete rescue as he battles Batman to keep the girl away from what he sees as another potential abuser.  

What is not exactly a great piece of comic storytelling, especially for a holiday issue, makes an interesting turn by incorporating a further Frankenstein angle, using a touch of the novel's original ending instead of villagers with torches.  All in all, a nostalgic piece that feels good to read around the holidays. 

Now. 

The Punisher. 

2006 brought us a one-shot called The Punisher Xmas.  And the feeling created by this book is not the same.  It's a story as dark as its hard-to-follow pages.

It's Christmas Eve and Frank Castle has decided to put his naughty and nice (literally) list to work.  Upon realizing most of the main gangster types who he plans to eliminate  have huge families that will be arriving for the holidays, Frank does away with making them his targets.  Too many innocents.  So he goes after a lone wolf local thug responsible for using a child as a human shield the night before. 

This is some dark shit, kids.

Especially when the local thug has some ties to the kid's mom.  Indeed, Frank Castle leaves a mess wherever he goes, regardless of what he feels are good intentions, and Christmas is no different.  The Punisher is no hero, as the path of destruction he started in the pages of Spider-Man 40 plus years ago has widened and been darkened with a lot of blood.  Different levels of age demographics from your basic monthly, to Marvel Knights, to the very mature Marvel MAX have cemented the violent insanity into his DNA.  There's just enough at the end of The Punisher Xmas, however, to make you realize The Punisher is actually a human being. 

Just enough. 

If you're going to read both of these, I recommend leading with The Punisher and finishing with the Caped Crusader’s happy ending. For your own well being. 

Happy Holidays.

 

Santa Project: SCTV Christmas Specials

I've written on Last Will about the significance of SCTV before, click HERE, for some of it.  Last night, I watched half of a DVD I picked up in the clearance section of Half Price books that contained the two SCTV Christmas specials.  The one I viewed was the first, aired December 17, 1981.  There was plenty of Christmas content of course, but what blew my mind was the size of the eventual careers of these performers, many who are still going today some 40 years later.  You have the late great John Candy, whose Johnny LaRue finally gets his crane shot, Eugene Levy (a fucking legend, still kicking it on Schitt's Creek), Catherine O'Hara ("this is my art and it is dangerous!!"), Rick Moranis, the Ghostbusters accountant who retired from acting to take care of his kids and record country records.  There are others, but I don't want to make this a roster. 

The backdrop of this special is the SCTV network of Melonville (in Canada I suppose, as SCTV was a Canadian production) has an office Christmas party, where shenanigans ensue, intermingled with broadcast material from the channel's performers.  Station owner Guy Caballero (genius Joe Flaherty) shows what a cheap-ass he is throughout, as everyone from SCTV gets drunker and drunker and more angry at this fact. This is especially true in the case of Candy's LaRue who winds up alone on the streets of Melonville, broadcasting pure nothingness in a pathetically hilarious monologue on a live episode of his show Street Beef. 

Eventually we get a lengthy segment featuring Levy's terrific Judd Hirsch and Andrea Martin (of Black Christmas and My Big Fat Greek Wedding fame) performing her Marsha Mason, as they star in Neil Simon's The Nutcracker Suite.   In its time, this sketch would be hilarious, though it would be lost on a younger crowd today.  Even then it was funny to SCTV talk show host Sammy Maudlin as he and his co-host can't get enough of the word "Nutcracker", much to the dismay of his guests, Simon and Mason. 

What's really missing here is Bob and Doug McKenzie, (appearing in a small dose, eh?) who ironically a year later would have a hit single with The Twelve Days of Christmas (if you read my link, you'd know. In actuality, if you're over 40, you should be hugely familiar with it) that was all over the airwaves.  Martin Short had yet to join the cast at this point, but he appeared heavily in the first few minutes of the second special that I began watching before I got too damn tired to make it through round two. 

Frani pointed out that I wasn't laughing much, and I explained that when SCTV was just being itself, its hilarious world-building was capable of drawing major chuckles out of me. Last night, I felt in these specials, they were trying too hard to focus on Christmas and incorporate musical numbers that often fell flat.  

However, for nostalgia's sake, I couldn't have watched anything better.   

Santa Project : Sacrifice Game

 Well, I do love a good Christmas horror movie and I found one this year, from the shudder streaming service.  It’s A little movie called The Sacrifice Game which takes place in late December of 1971. 

It’s definitely a genre blender, which features the elements of Charles Manson type mass murders, home invasion thriller, and the demonic supernatural. The characters are pretty well performed all the way through by mostly new faces. 

I've got to give credit for the performances of our two leads, two girls left behind over the Christmas break in their private school. That sort of makes this a tonal inversion of  The Holdovers, running currently at a theater near you. 

There’s also a gang of four murderous individuals, vaguely reminiscent of the vile drug-addled perverts  from The Last House on the Left, who are the instigators of all the horror that becomes the crux of the plot, as you know the two parties will end up clashing.  The difference between this and Last House is the question of who the actual victims will end up being and a twisty reason for that question.  Also, watch for a connection at the end that is obviously inspired by the tremendous Let the Right One In. 

If you’re looking for a good horror movie this Christmas that is directly related to Christmas, But is not about murderous Santas, Jack Frosts, or gingerbread men, the first choice I would make would be The Sacrifice Game, as it has unpredictability by the stockingful to offer. 

Santa Project: It’s a Wonderful Life/Knife

Last night for the first time in many many years I saw It's a Wonderful Life.  It actually may be the first time I’ve seen the movie all the way through, a sentiment mentioned in The Ref by one of the cops in what may be the dumbest police force ever filmed. 

Regardless, Life is a terrific movie led by an incredibly layered performance by James Stewart.  Stewart plays George Bailey, a guy that wants to get out and see it all and in the process keeps getting stopped from doing so. His family owns a small but thriving business that helps people in their adorable community of Bedford Falls. Due to circumstances beyond his control, he ends up being the guy that has to sit there year after year and keep the business afloat.  Especially with the rotten Republican action figure Mr. Potter floating around the town trying to take what he can from who he can.

George marries Donna Reed and has multiple children, and helps hundreds of people achieve the residential dreams they never thought possible.  Through no fault of his own,  his life events eventually lead down a dark path. It’s one in which he finds himself wishing that he was never born. 

 

 It's a Wonderful Knife presents the same concept. We have our female lead, Winnie, who kills a serial murderer in a small town called Angel Falls. Despite her saving many people with the heroic act, the serial killer has done enough damage to her family to make life miserable,  and as she wanders through the dust covered aftermath of the serial killers attack, she also find herself wishing she wasn’t alive. 

A very effective northern lights comes along and twists her world into circles, much the way Clarence does in It's a Wonderful Life,  resulting in her getting to see what her hometown would be like if she was never born, much the same way that Jimmy Stewart does in Life. 

Now, Life is a classic family film through and through, some younger folks may find it “a granny film” as John Lennon used to say about some of Paul’s cornier songs.  It’s one of those heartwarming movies that makes your eyes wet a little bit at the end. It's a Wonderful Knife, however is a true slasher film. there definitely is blood and guts galore, but unlike many of the other  Christmas horror films of late, it has an uplifting scenario similar in some affect to Life, but with modern flavorings. 

I recommend both these movies; obviously Knife is not necessarily for everyone because the gore is definitely on display. Mr. Potter is one evil motherfucker in the original Life, and in the new horror styled remake Justin Long is the town‘s rich asshole, played wonderfully and he looks as stupid as the shit he yaks continuously. He’s a spray-tan, fake giant front-teethed version of Mr. Potter through and through, except he's hilarious to watch.  Another big difference is in this case he has turned our female lead’s father into a modern day version of A Christmas Carol’s Bob Cratchet, an element that does not exist in the original. 

Both of these movies should be enjoyed by their proper audiences and I found myself taken in on a very deep level by both Jimmy Stewart and Jane Widdop’s Winnie in Knife. The word “proper” is important here as I am capable of enjoying a movie made some 77 years ago, and also capable of enjoying a movie with blood and guts galore, and containing elements of the LGBTQ community that would offend some of today’s older viewers. 

The fact that There is a “proper” audience for either is a crying shame.

The Santa Project: The Ref

    

Not too far down the road, I'll be posting a piece about Italian film director Lucio Fulci and his Gates of Hell trilogy.  But right now I'm going to be talking about one piece of another trilogy.  A trilogy I like to call The Unleashing of Denis Leary's Talent trilogy.  Those 3 films are as follows:

Monument Ave.

Judgment Night

The Ref

The Ref is a great 1993 comedy that also fits into my Top 5 Christmas films list.  For posterity's sake, here are those:

Gremlins

Die Hard

The Ref

Grumpy Old Men

Black Christmas (1974)

The Ref feels like a traditional holiday film at the jump.  During the credits, you get a sweeping long take of an adorable Connecticut town warming up its Christmas Eve activities.  As the credits end, the camera swings up to a marriage counselor's office (a young BD Wong, for all you Jurassic Park and Law & Order: SVU fans) dealing with what must (God help him) be his final clients of the day.  These two venomous individuals are Caroline and Lloyd, played by a spellbinding Judy Davis and snarky Kevin Spacey (yeah. I know.).  Davis' performance is so wide-ranging and powerful, shredded with emotion, that it kind of pissed me off that she was passed over for an Oscar nom that year.  Truthfully, Its strength helps draw your attention away from Spacey.  Anyway, Caroline and Lloyd are on the back end of a 15 year marriage, and both are so gifted with the verbal jab, that there's no way they can possibly find a way to cooperate, much less mend. 

The Ref gains its momentum when Denis Leary botches a robbery, and is forced to abduct Lloyd and Caroline as a ride and eventually providers of a place to hole up while he resets.  Unfortunately for Leary's character, Gus, he has to try to balance his criminal escape while Caroline and Lloyd are practically tearing each others' throats out. This is all in the midst of waiting for Lloyd's family to arrive for an annual Christmas dinner gathering, and the return home of the couple's juvenile delinquent son. Also, our darling Connecticut town is on the lookout for Gus as the botched robbery is following him like the plague. 

The true joy of The Ref is not just the whip-smart dialogue, verbal repartee, (which explodes when Lloyd's annoying family arrives pushing Gus to the edge of madness) and sharp-as-hell casting, but its heart.  Gus seems to be just soft enough to inadvertently provide Caroline and Lloyd with the ability to truly see each other, but fashions himself into a sword to be used to defend themselves in ways they have been needing to do for many years against many people.  Miracle on 34th Street it aint, but The Ref definitely has enough holiday lift to warrant repeat viewings over the years. 

Or maybe I'm just a sick bastard who has known too many people like this, and likes to see just desserts given, even if in fictional form.

Santa Project Season 2: Charlie Brown Christmas

Last Night was the 58th anniversary of A Charlie Brown Christmas.   When it comes to Christmas, it's one of my earliest memories.   And it would continue to be one of my fondest.  Remember the days when you only had one shot to watch it? 

No Cable, no VCRs, no DVD. 

If you missed it, you had to wait until Christmas rolled around again, tough underpants. 

So last night Frani and I watched it. 

Guess what, folks, it pretty much holds up.  And not just for nostalgia's sake.  Charlie Brown's battle with holiday depression, and inability to get into the spirit rings true with me. It has in the past quite often, and even does today, even in this moment.  I've been battling getting into the mode: listening to Christmas music, watching holiday films, trying to reminisce about what the season meant to me as a kid.  This blog is part of that, every year, as I make an effort to document what made the season so great for me over the years. 

 It's getting there, however.  I can feel it growing on me as December crawls through us. 

 

As far as Charles Schulz' Peanuts gang goes, Lucy's presence as friend/quasi-nemesis to Charlie is the one thing that the Thanksgiving episode doesn't have.  When she's not trying to help Charlie, she's needling him with verbal barbs, as the rest of the cast begins to do until the true meaning (thanks, Linus) rolls out for Charlie Brown. Charlie finally has the ability to cast aside his fear of commercialism ruining the holiday. There's a lot of laughs here from most of the Peanuts gang, and a chunk of "Good Griefs!" for flavor.

Speaking of flavor, who doesn't love a Zinger!!  My favorite is the coconut raspberry, and that's odd, because I can't really stand Coconut.  It's not the taste, it's the consistency. (Fans of Zombieland and Woody Harrelson know what I'm gettin' at there.) 

 

The peanuts gang advertising all hours on television for Dolly Madison brand cakes was kind of something fun to watch for, if not for 60, maybe 30 seconds of your day. Now I think Dolly Madison only has their name on cakes that end up in vending machines or convenience stores because the big box bears the hostess label.  So I’m really not sure of what the legal standing is of Dolly Madison, but I know it’s still floating around out there.

I don’t know about you, but I take comfort in that. 

Back to the special, you have to mention the genius of the Vince Guardini Trio's kickin' jazz driving the special along.  In 1965, that had to be a bold stylistic musical choice, and I'm glad they went with it, because the music just seems to help the special breathe in a unique way. 

Santa Project season 2: holiday flavors

As I’ve mentioned before on this blog I’m a really huge fan of seasonal packaging and seasonal variants of products from food to drink. 

Mountain Dew takes their cracks at the seasons quite often, although they are not doing it this year with Christmas, sadly. The last two years of holiday Mountain Dew flavors are a mixed bag. Two years ago they released Gingerbread Snap’d Mountain Dew, which took me the better part of a year to finish the 12 pack. Gingerbread and citrus did not go well together, and it was a difficult go to complete it. 

On the other hand, the following year’s Mountain Dew Fruitquake was delicious. It says it’s a mixture of Mountain Dew and fruitcake, but really it comes across like a holiday fruit punch. It was quite delicious, and I have to say it had a fruity zing to it that really accompanies Mountain Dew’s natural citrus flavor very well. 

Unfortunately PepsiCo is not providing us with a Mountain Dew Christmas specialty this year; so to them I say this one thing: 

You can suck on a chili dog out behind the tasty freeze.

Santa Project Season 2: Bound to the Past : "Twas the Night"

 

Last year I had written about how Little Golden Books were a key to Holiday storytelling as a kid.  Check that out here: Little Golden Holiday

However, as a wee sprite, I had a couple of copies of Twas the Night Before Christmas.  They were identical in terms of cover art, lettering font, and artwork.  One was a standard Little Golden Book, the other what they called a BIG Little Golden Book.  The BIG one was oversized, had a glossy and hard cover and the same interior, just bigger. 

I was fond of the story by Clement C. Moore to begin with, but dug the art work of Corinne Malvern, particularly as Pa leaves Ma in bed as their long winter's nap is interrupted by either Santa Claus or his Ring going off.  He leaves his cap on.  This was one of the big mysteries of the story to me, and I remember asking my own Ma about it.  Who goes to bed with a cap on, yo?  I think my Mom and Dad read this book to me countless times from toddler to Elementary youngster.

What the hell was a kerchief?

I usually have to ask my dog Bloo for permission to read the book now; however, as he has become attached to a certain extent:   

Anyways.  My introduction to this classic was the books my parents gifted me which came long before I viewed reruns of the Rankin/Bass animated special of the same title which was released in 1974.  It featured the voice talents of George Gobel and Joel Grey, and I remember watching it in the early 80's, along with some of my sister Pee Wee's friends who had come over to hang.  They found it hilarious.  Especially the goofy mayor.  For some reason they got a kick out of that dude.  

Strange for high schoolers, eh? 

Anyway, "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night...."

Santa Project season 2: Christmas profanity memories and Brenda Lee’s Return

At one point, years ago, my oldest child Aidan was in the Cub Scouts. We had attended a late fall Boy Scout event that we were driving home from, and listening to Brenda Lee’s “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree.” on a Milwaukee radio station.

Incidentally, I’ve read recently that her classic has actually unseated Mariah Carey‘s “All I Want for Christmas is You” from the top of the charts. That’s an amazing and groundbreaking event in and of itself, and it should be cherished as a great moment in history. 

But I digress. 

So, as I was saying, in early November radio stations in Wisconsin begin playing Christmas songs. Despite this being late fall, we were listening to the Brenda Lee tune that  I just mentioned. At one point I hear Aidan‘s soft giggling in the backseat . I turned and quickly looked into the back. 

“What’s so funny, bud?”

“She swore!”

“I didn’t hear any swearing!”

“She did”

“It’s OK man, you can say what she said, you won’t get in trouble”

“Later we’ll have some fucking pie”, he chuckled.

I listened.  I could hear that too.  

At which point we both started “laughing like a bastard”, as “Drugs” Delaney would say from the underrated film,  “Outside Providence”.  

Decades later, whenever I hear that Brenda Lee classic, I still hear “Later we’ll have some fucking pie” and I have my beautiful child to thank for that. 

Listen to it, you’ll hear it. 

It really does sound like Ms. Lee is singing that word instead of “pumpkin”, and I still laugh like a bastard. The idea of ol’ Brenda changing the connotation of the song as if the pie were an irritant, as opposed to a treat is half the fun of the lyric change.  Now we just need to rock around the “shittin’ tree” and we’re good!

I love you Aidan, merry Christmas!

Santa Project Season 2: That Christmas Feeling ( A Vinyl Destination entry)

                           November 30, 2023

Many years ago when I was a kid my parents had an end table in the living room. It was octagonal shaped with two ornate doors that opened from the left and right. 

Inside was where my parents record collection was stacked on top of each other horizontally. Any record collector would find that to be a sin of the most unforgivable order. Included in their vinyl collection was a smattering of Christmas albums.  That Christmas Feeling was a JCPenney record that was among those holiday records of my folks that also included a Jim Nabors classic, the legendary Bing Crosby White Christmas, and The Glow of Christmas various artists album (which I also incidentally ran across at a local record store this last week.)

Beyond its yuletide silliness with the Yule log and the candle and the pinecone, That Christmas Feeling contains some great tunes. The songs include the legendary Andy Williams It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year, God Rest ye Merry Gentlemen by Johnny Mathis, No Place like Home for the Holidays by Robert Goulet, (ROBERT GOULEEEEET!) among many others, including a couple from Lennie Bernstein and the New Christy Minstrels. 

So when I found this at the local record store, I wasn’t only buying a piece of my childhood back from the time vacuum, (as I can still remember sitting on my butt and going through those Christmas records in front of that little end table), I bought a pretty good collection of vinyl Christmas tunes.  What a great way to start  the holiday month of December.  I began it with not only the warmest piece of nostalgia I could even imagine, but the music for the season to back it up.

The Spectrum Files : Shock Waves. (Samhain Project addendum)

 

When I was 9 years old I didn't know a zombie from a Byrd.  I came home one afternoon from school and flipped on Spectrum to see what was on, and the channel was between features.  I sat there in the falling afternoon sun and viewed the trailer for the Ken Weiderhorn fim Shock Waves.  

Between the eerie Richard Einhorn synthesizer score, and the images of the walking dead emerging from the waters of the Florida coast, I was kinda creeped out.  I hadn't seen Night of the Living Dead or Dawn of the Dead yet, so the whole thing seemed alien and made me uncomfortable.

 

The cast is led by a very young Brooke Adams, who most of you would know from the Philip Kaufman Invasion of the Body Snatchers, and The Dead Zone, among many others.  Horror legends Peter Cushing, very late in a career that began back in the gothic Hammer Horror days, and one time Dracula John Carradine lead the way.  Carradine's career dates back to the 40's so there's a pedigree of sorts here.  From what I've read, neither cinematic icon worked very long on set but were paid fairly well for short hours, and they didn't phone in their performances at all.  Both gentlemen brought it 100 percent, and considering that the budget on this film floated somewhere between 150,000 and 200,000, they probably could have gotten away with sleepwalking through it. 

Regardless, the images of what I would learn later to be morons running from goggled Nazi SS underwater zombies trained to murder, were unsettling for sure. These things were wandering around under the waters of the Florida coasts without emitting so much as a bubble, and raised up out of the water in a very unnatural way.  Richard Einhorns swirling score added an essence of creepiness that had to work on whatever grindhouse audiences would have seen it during its 1977 run, because it sure as hell was working on me.  I stood on our living room carpet, completely entranced in fear.  I probably couldn't have run from one of those soggy, water-logged Nazi goons if I wanted to.

And this was the goddamn trailer!

Oddly enough, the film was rated PG.  These zombies didn't eat people.  They were trained to kill in warfare for the Nazis.  So no blood and guts.  

Still, this makes a good Halloween view, if only for its creepiness.  So toss it in the Samhain Project file while you're at it.

It was pretty cool to see Joe Bob Briggs bring this movie up over my Thanksgiving break while watching his Lucio Fulci retrospective.  Of course he was referring to the ridiculous zombie versus shark scene that takes place in the movie zombie or zombie 2 or zombie flesh eaters.  Whatever you wanna call it, 

In other words Fulci’s underwater zombies concept was beaten to the punch by two years by Ken Weiderhorn who would go on to direct Return of the Living Dead Part 2.  

Shock waves was a low key groundbreaker. 

Bound to the Past : Choose Your Own Adventure

 

A few years back we went to see the Rian Johnson film Knives Out which was a Agatha Christie modeled who-dun-it with flickers of comic touches a la Murder by Death and Clue.  Everyone loves a good mystery and this is damn fine one.  Plus, Michael Shannon is in it, so that makes any movie a must see.  I noticed something about the name of the murder victim in the film, a chap named Harlan Thrombey.

Why did that ring a bell?

When in the 6th grade at Bose Elementary, my Mrs. Werner led class was really into the Choose Your Own Adventure series of books.  I wasn't so much because I was already dipping my toes into the Stephen King pond.  However, there was one particular Choose Your Own title that I was drawn to because a friend (who liked to talk shit behind your back) recommended it.  It was an Edward Packer mystery with some diabolical turns called Who Killed Harlowe Thrombey?

That's why it rang a bell.  I just needed to know if there was a correlation. 

It didn't take much sniffing around to find that Rian Johnson's film was inspired by Packer's entry in the series, particularly the name of his victim.  It's amazing the way things find themselves working around into circles in life. 

I like to occasionally visit Library Book Sales, you know the ones, a grocery bag for $10.00.  I usually make a loop through the children's section before leaving as I'm aways on the lookout for a first printing of Don Freeman's Space Witch.  It also would be quite slick to find any copy, (but particularly Godzilla as you have to take out a small loan and provide a DNA sample to purchase it on eBay) of the Crestwood Monster Series.  I always strike out on those.  But one time, lingering at the bottom of a box of oversized kids books was a paperback.  Picking it up and holding it in my hand, I was smitten with a nostalgic soaked breath.

Who Killed Harlowe Thrombey?

Of all the library book sales in all the world, this one member of the series just happens to pop up here.  What are the odds?

Well, I'm about to write a Part II of a post about being fortunate with books and author autographs that show, that in this department?

I'm pretty fucking lucky.

The Gobble Project: Black Friday

I did Black Friday once.  Just to say I did it.  I dragged my ass out of bed at 4:00 AM the day after Thanksgiving, braved the crowds and the cold, and did the bulk of my Christmas shopping on the day of savings.  

I'll never do it again, but at least I lived, and have a story to tell. 

But that's for another day.  I'm here to talk about the movie.  Black Friday is a horror comedy about zombie-like hive-minded creatures attacking retail outlets all over what has to be Illinois (Schaumburg is referenced) on Black Friday.  I don't know what the big deal is, as these monsters don't behave a whole lot different than Black Friday shoppers do in general, knocking people down, beating them and eating their flesh, but I digress. 

These creatures have some sort of goal, though. Their hive minds have them creating something.  Something pink and awful. 

The store this film is centered around is called WeLuvToys and the employees thoughts on the matter of toys varies and do not necessarily correspond with the name of the establishment they are working for. 

It's a motley bunch, consisting of Devon Sawa as our main character.  Sawa was never a big youth star but led several big named films such as Final Destination and Idle Hands, and in his youth even did a fairly intense Lifetime film called Night of the Twisters.  (Yes, I did write the last part of that sentence).  As he's reached his 40's, he's actually a fairly compelling screen presence, which shows here and in other films like the terrific Hunter Hunter.  He holds this down fairly well. 

You have Ivana Baquero (who was Ofelia in Guillermo Del Toro's masterful Pan's Labyrinth), young Ryan Lee, and Stephen Peck who all acquit themselves well here, especially considering the light weight of the material.  

Martial Arts Legend Michael Jai White (who could have really been used a lot more and to greater effect) and Bruce Campbell (who needs no introduction) round out the cast.  

The practical effects are nicely done by OG Robert Kurtzman (he of KNB FX fame), and considering the fact that Bruce Campbell produced this flick, it's no shocker they got Bob involved. 

As scary as zombies with an agenda are, the movie really is very funny.  I laughed out loud at least 3 or 4 times at dialogue and events, and this is helped by how well these characters are fleshed out from the beginning.  They all have identifying and unique personalities and traits and oddly, Sawa in the lead may be the least original of all of them despite his poor man's Matt Damon presence.  Some of the dialogue is very sharp, and there's some so quick-you-may-miss-it social commentary sprinkled throughout.

I highly recommend this for Thanksgiving AND Christmas, and due to this film will be adding Dour Dennis to my Christmas List. 

The Gobble Project : A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving

This year is the 50th Anniversary of Charlie Brown's Thanksgiving special.  It's hard to believe it's been around that long.  Frani and I viewed it last night and it remains a classic, though it doesn't pack the thick holiday vibe and nostalgia that A Charlie Brown Christmas and It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown do by a long shot. 

One of the things that I find odd about it is the lack of Lucy.  Outside of an opening segment, where she once again gets Charlie Brown to go flying through the air and land on his ass by yanking the football away on an attempted kick, she's nowhere to be found.  Maybe she acquired all the sadomasochistic ingredients she needed for Thanksgiving and moved on to start her Psychiatric Practice. As much of an annoying pain in the arse that Lucy is, her absence definitely feels like a missing piece. Her brother Linus, along with his blanket, wrinkly thumb, and old soul wisdom are present in spades as he spews bullshit about Miles Standish at a breakneck pace.  

Large portions of this special belong to Snoopy and Woodstock as they do most of the labor to prepare for an upcoming Thanksgiving Dinner that Charlie Brown allows himself to be bullied into. Yes, Peppermint Patty walks all over Chuck as she calls him and invites herself, and then Marcie and her creepy fucking eyeless glasses, and finally Franklin to a Thanksgiving Dinner she apparently is missing in her own life.  Loyal Snoopy and Woodstock then go to work.  To the tunes of Little Birdie and Linus and Lucy, they battle to set up an impromptu dinner.  This begins with a fight to get a ping pong table out of the Brown family garage.  This is harder than it needs to be as Charlie's parents are apparently fucking hoarders.  Snoopy fights sentient lawn furniture and then engages in a funky brouhaha with Woodstock that involves flopping into and out of a storage chest. 

Eventually popcorn, pretzel sticks, jelly beans and toast lead to the core definition of the episode, and like all Holiday specials, the true meaning of something is understood.

Again, this isn't the greatest holiday special ever made, but I could feel memories flooding back as I watched it, laughed at silliness that smacks of kid stuff, and then craved Dolly Madison pastries for some odd reason. 

It's this kind of stuff, added together over the years, that help make the holidays what they should be. 

Warm.

 

The Gobble Project: Tales from the Darkside: The Last Car

 

In 1983/1984 on weekends, my best friend stayed at his aunt's house next door.  He spent more time hanging out with me than he did the aunt, but she didn't mind.  As Saturday night wound down, he'd come over so we could watch George A. Romero's syndicated anthology series Tales from the Darkside after Saturday Night Live.  Jon and I had a mutual adoration for baseball and the NBA, laughter (hence Dick Ebersol's Billy Crystal/Martin Short era of SNL we weekly gathered together for), but for some odd reason we were pulled to Tales from the Darkside whenever we could find it's beautiful syndicated ass placed on the TV schedule. 

This was my introduction to the maestro, George A Romero.

Anyways, we'd always laugh at the intro, where the baritone-throated announcer would pause in his description of everyday life, before he'd describe a level of the universe that isn't so nice....

when he'd pause, he'd say "BUT!" a little bit too firmly and with too much pizzazz.

and we'd laugh like a bastid.  Listen below.

Anyways, last night Frani and I watched an episode from the second season of Tales that involved our young character Stacey, as she's getting on  a train to head home for Thanksgiving.  Sadly, that's about all this episode has to do with Turkey-Day, but my job is to jam the holidays with my culture this time of year, 

and that's what I'm gonna do.

Stacey comes to the last car of the train, that "sways" as an old crocheting woman puts it, while a shitty little kid runs around who appears to wear costumes that change, as he shouts, runs around like a fool, and pulls triggers on noisy toys and generally acts like an asshole.  One other traveller, a nappy old guy, has sandwiches for everyone and card games for the dime store Billy Mumy who has you irritated beyond control about 10 minutes into the episode. 

All the characters become frightened when the train is about to go through tunnels.  There's no light outside at all, and too much time has passed for Stacey's comfort.  The conductor has no answers.  It's all very odd. 

What happened to Stacey?  Where is she going and how did she end up here?  The last frame may have your answer, but not the question of how or why.

This undertaking felt more like a watered-down Twilight Zone episode than the normally more visceral Tales from the Darkside.  Except in Zone, Rod Serling would come in at the conclusion and wisely tell you how our intrepid Stacey came to this lowly state and what lies ahead for her on this nightmarish train.  

Can't recommend this for Thanksgiving viewing, but Tales from the Darkside is always a nostalgic treat.