INSULTS AND LONGEVITY

There are insults I have not been able to let go of. Years and years of honing them and perfecting them have placed them in my cerebral hard drive, never to be erased. This makes me a vacuum of stupid information, as well as a soul unable to let things go. But when these insults are used against those that piss me off, they are diatribe of my vernacular that appease my uneasy and unconfident soul.

Here are the 6 most useful and frequently used insults for me:

6. "Booger eatin' Spaz" --used by Tanner Boyle, the snot-nosed punk of "Bad News Bears" with a foul-mouthed heart of gold. As a matter of fact, those around me have begun using it due to it's repetition.

5. "Fartface"--I started using this as a kid. Way back when I was very young. And unlike classics like "camperhead" and "Lawnmowerface", it holds up because it's at least slightly more sensical than the previous name-calling attempts used by some of my contemporaries as kids.

4. "Poopstain"--I began using this in 1991, and was unable to completely drop it from my arsenal. It's degrading with a shade of gross. Plus it usually results in silence from it's victim, due to the oddness of the word.

3. "Half a Butt Puppet"--Brendan Fraser used it in "Airheads". It's a true piece of genius. Not only is the target of your barb a butt puppet, he's not even worthy of being a full one.

2. "Asscorn"--I don't fully grasp the meaning even though I created it. But deep in my soul, I have to believe that it's not complimentary in any way, shape, or form. One of my real faves.

1. "Mental Midget"--Old School. Brought back to my consciousness by incessant playing of Tom Waits and his classic, "The Piano Has Been Drinking". In the tune, the rough-throated poet/singer refers to the night club owner as this. He also tosses in the fact that he has an I.Q. of a fence post for good measure. Good stuff.

So there you have it, my bag of trash-words for the trashable. They've served me well. Maybe you can benefit from their venomous creativity as well.