Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Memory Lone

It's kind of startling to me when I look at friends photo albums from back in the day.
Don't get me wrong, initiial reaction is usually something like "Ah! Look at you!" and then full entrenchment into memory lane ensues....
One night after the laughter died down, and people went home, and the computer was turned off, or the glitter faded, or whatever the fuck you want to call it happened, I scrunched up my brow. Scratched my chin. That one night led to several more afterwards that consisted of me digging.
There were times when I would tear through the small boxes of my extremely compartmentalized and segregated past, searching for photos, memorabilia, and ephemera. Desperately...one time, in tears.
I attended 11 different schools in 2 different states and 3 different cities....after I hit 14, my parents moved me 3 times. I went to 3 high schools in 3 cities.....those photo albums never had a chance. I haven't had a bff since the 6th grade.
Yeah, I know...fuck me, it sounds like whining, here's a kleenex, go away little match girl. I get it.
But this is what I do, this is how I exorcise demons. So the power of Christ is compelling me right now.
I don't have any mistakes in my past, because I never got the chance to make them. I never left any hearts in my wake, because I had no opportunity to break them. I can't share any great teenage love and loss stories that are now fodder for memory lane giggles. I don't have any buddies I can dial up and say "Bro, rememember the time....." and have the conversation end in gales of laughter and tear-stained cheeks.
That's a problem for me. A huge one.
Huge.
The last known photo taken of me before I turned 19. I was 13.

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