Thursday, March 18, 2010
CHAINED TO IT
"You hide it well, most people don't see it, but you're the angriest man I've ever known."--"Justified" FX
One day in a darkened movie theatre, my ex-wife told me what amounted to almost the same thing. She followed it with "It's nothing to be proud of" after I chuckled, staring right through me. Then the house lights went down, the trailers began to roll, and for a time, I forgot about it.
It came up again the next day....and I asked her about it, as I was unsure about the angle of the whole thing. After all, I never get into fights, I've never raised a hand to wife or child, and I brought all this to her attention.
"It's not us", she said referring to herself and our son. "You're angry at yourself."
It was like a bit of a revelation.
I then went and looked in the mirror. I saw through my borderline mongoloid, scruffy nerfherder features, into the hazels, beyond. My thought spinning to the things that may anger me about myself. I was rattled.
What's there, what don't I like?
Then it came like a flood. Voices careening through my head, swirling at different volumes, whispers, shouts, accusations......You roll your ankles, clod, you can't walk, ....you're a failure as a husband and father,...you break more things than you fix.....
What the fuck? Who were these rude, petulant voices?
Maybe, since you spent so much time being mediocre in the 80's, the least you could have done was have some fun.....so much effort in trying to be the monumentally heroic good guy, you never thought to try to be the villain once in a while....
All those chains I attached to myself so long ago, no matter how much I shake and rattle them, they will never come loose. There it is. I'm definitely angry with myself, but the only difference here is, unlike being pissed off at another individual, I can't FORGIVE me.
I'm the only person in the world I can't give that grace to, even if I may deserve it.
Lord knows, I've tried.