Saturday, August 1, 2009

WHY I HATE THE CUBS (and most of the haves in the major leagues)

"See, this is the kind of thing, quite honestly right now, that makes you want to see this Chicago Cubs team lose. .. [F]ar and away, the most obnoxious fans in baseball, in this league, are those who follow this team right here. ... You simply root against them. I've said all winter — they talk about this team winning the division — and my comment is, they won't win it because, at the end of the day, they still are the Chicago Cubs, and they will figure out a way to screw this whole thing up." --Marty Brenneman, legendary Cincinatti Reds Broadcaster

After sitting by idly and watching the rich get richer yesterday, (i.e. Red Sox get Victor Martinez, White Sox get Jake Peavey, Cubs get Doug Grabow and Gorzelanny), I decided to vent. My therapist says it's a good idea. "Rage, Rage, against the dying of the light"--Dylan Thomas.

Here's why the Cubs suck, have sucked, and always will suck.

1. There rich North Shore moron fans come up here in droves and take over Miller Park. Yeah, partial blame should be given to the locals for not buying up all the tickets ourselves, but it's not merely the space-occupying that annoys the Brewer faithful as much as it is Cubs fans complete sanctimonious obnoxiousness. The holier-than-thou Crapitude where they act like they have the world coming to them because they've been losing for the last 100 years.

Try not sucking.

Illinois Cub fans, let me share a few things with you:

2. The Brewers payroll is less than half of your bonus babies, and they have won more playoff games in the last two years combined than the Cubs, yet the Brewers didn't even make the post-season in 2007. Can I get an LOL?

3. Your players are jabronies. Nobody admires their flyballs more than Alfonso Soriano and Aramis Ramirez, and this is coming from a fan of the team Ryan Braun plays for. (And yes, I loved every second of it when the Hebrew Hammer cadillacked a little when he took Dempster over the right field wall at Miller after getting donked in the head with a slider two innings earlier. One good turn deserves another.) Soriano couldn't play his way out of a wet paper bag in left field, lollygags like a tee-baller out there after he kicks one, and his batting stance looks like a futile attempt at a painful bowel movement.
Ramirez postures like an overgrown heavyweight champion after he homers, and if it was off the walk-off variety, he dances around the bags. Soriano, as well. Jeez, act like you've been there before. And the pundits criticize the Brewers for their "arrogance"?
And Zambrano. Where do I start? He's a borderline psycho who creepily wandered out onto the field during a Matt Young/Derrek Lee dustup (Yes, the classic brawl where Lee took a poke and quickly flitted away Carmelo-style behind his aging manager) with his removed belt in his hands, grinning like an undertaker. Wow. Oddly, despite the fact that it was recorded in HD by several sports nets, no action was taken by the league. He was what, changing his pants?

4. There are no Bears in Illinos, let alone Cubs.

5. Question: If Chicago is so awesome, why do you people buy up all of rural Wisconsin?

6. Wrigley Field fans still have to pee in troughs. It's 2009. Who built your bathrooms, Charles Ingalls Construction?

7. Your fans launch trash and debris at outfielders of the opposing team (Braun, jealous of a real right fielder?) WHILE THE BALL IS IN PLAY. Holy Cow, indeed.

8. Again with the rich get richer theme. Did you notice how the bulk of your team is made up of free agents from other organizations, but most of our guys came from the AAA Nashville Sounds Brewers farm club. Must be nice to BUY a team. But it hasn't gotten you much farther than us anyways.

9. Lou Piniella. I've read several books by former teammates of his, namely Sparky Lyle and Jim Bouton, and the tomes display what a bloomin nut this guy was. Now they didn't use the terminology, but their description of events paints the picture. He was beyond gifted as a hitter, they didn't call him "Sweet" Lou for nothing, sure as hell wasn't his personality. He's about as cuddly as a porcupine. Where Ken Macha seems like a kindly old uncle, Lou comes off as Macha's annoying alcoholic neighbor. It's been illustrated that he's been known to beat inanimate objects with other inanimate objects, and umpires shoes have a nasty habit of getting dirty when Lou's around.

The fact that he's still in the big leagues is a testament to his managing ability. I begrudgingly admit that fact, just as I'll begrudgingly admit that, just like the Chicago Bears, I need to hate the Cubs. It is what keeps my Brewer fanblood moving.

I think my shrink would appreciate that admission.

Chicago, I need you.

Damn it.

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