True Detective: Existential Crime Drama? The McConnaisance continues.....

As it progressed,  the Matthew McConaughey/Woody Harrelson show “True Detective” posed a horrifying question that has danced lightly across my subconscious before, albeit briefly…..

McConaughey posited the theory that during evolution we, as homo sapiens, became accidentally self-aware, and saw ourselves as more important than we are…..

Yes, his character saw us humans as unintentionally programmed beyond mere survival instinct,  yet no more necessary than “the animals” we feed in pet dishes or consume at fast food joints.  Just painfully and with futility nursing the frustrating impression that we are, umm...

"playing out the string" as George Carlin depressingly put it in the prologue to his first book.

Is life like they taught us in Sunday School?  

Is there a loving god looking down on us throwing us waves of warming light and reinforcing love, keeping us safe and guiding us toward a path of true enlightenment & happiness, where we’ll find that soulmate that is also wandering the Earth seeking the same things as we are?   Inevitably children will follow, career goals may be met, then retirement, then Florida?

Is life Hello Kitty, the Everly Brothers, and the Care Bears?

Or are emotions simply secreted brain chemicals? Is love merely Dopamine, anger adrenaline, and lust a combination of them both?  Are Earth and our species simply a winning lottery ticket in a universe large enough to host the odds, and can easily be flippantly wiped out with a random passing comet?

 Or is there an even worse case scenario that can be tossed upon us with no malice or ambivalence from anyone?  Could our planet be damaged irreparably, reducing us to the apocalyptic survival monsters in Cormac McCarthy’s “The Road” through the folly of man’s warfare or by a volcanic eruption that’s decided the credit on our borrowed time account has come past due?  No supreme being stopping this with his love, or creating it with his wrath? Is it all merely random happenstance in an outer space too large for me to fathom?

Could the universe be ignoring our little terrarium by the Sun flashing out in a microscopic apocalypse because 99.9% of it wasn’t even aware it was happening?

The former is nicer.  The former is what I can cope with.  The latter is something I thank whoever may be out there that I’m glad I’m not quite smart enough to wrap my head around.

And yes, Matthew McConaughey got me thinking like that.

 

Before you think McConaughey's character is necessarily preaching to the converted, I submit this:

My two cents on Richard Sherman

Okay, let's get this out of the way. Richard Sherman is a smart man and the best corner in the league.

Good. I feel better now.

He's still an ass, and here's why:

 The reason he blew a gasket on national television is because, and he stated it in his pants-crapping, Napoleon Complex-fueled tirade on Erin Andrews, he was insulted because Michael Crabtree was talking about him.

Excuse me, sir Richard......but isn't that what you do?  Talk crap. Every day?  Incessantly?  To the point of nausea?  Insulting people online, in the national media and on the football field. Constantly?  Which is fine, I have no problem with trash talk.  It's part of the game, but for a true purveyor of the craft, and some may say a master, you seemed a wee bit hypocritical getting all jacked up for Crabtree doing likewise.

Some may call it, in the era of the web, butthurt. 

But there are those that tout Mr. Sherman and not only forgive, but endorse his yammering because of his humble beginnings, coming Straight Outta Compton, getting into Stanford, and then the NFL, eventually becoming the best at a very difficult position. He deserves credit, yes.  

But, there are tons of poor kids who get into the NFL and shine their stars who don't draw this kind of WWE "I'm the best!" attention to themselves constantly.  Look at Donald Driver.  Poor kid from Houston, who sold drugs, once lived in a U-Haul, 7th Round Choice out of tiny Alcorn State, and became the Packers all time leading receiver, Super Bowl champ, Dancing With the Stars winner, and never lost his humility in the process.  

He surely never took the attention off of his teammates at the apex of their success like Sherman did as soon as the final second ticked off the damn clock. 

And those on line and in print who act like he is some spokesman for all that's right (or wrong) in America just make me laugh. Canonizing someone because of their mouth?  Please don't get started on the race card. It's insulting to everybody.

And don't you dare compare him to Muhammad Ali. Yeah, he was the greatest, and said so. But what truly made Ali the greatest was what he said and did AFTER he said so. 

I Could Have Written That: Part 2

5. "Crocodile Rock" "Bennie & The Jets"
Now I'm quite sure Elton John is a gifted songwriter, and I am willing to give credit to great talents, even if their material doesn't appeal to me. Prince, Slayer, and Muse all fit into the category of critically acclaimed and very talented artists that make me want to slam my head into a wall.  I have liked much of Reginald Dwight's material over they years, but the whining, grating choruses of these two songs make me bray them mockingly in a screeching tone at the unfair blood-soaked skies of the heavens above in exasperation and rage whenever I hear them. Not so much out of annoyance, but out of anger at the fact that these two tornado warnings of songs got not only recorded, but became hits.

4. "Who Let The Dogs Out?"
 Really?  This was popular?  And it became part of the lexicon. I don't even want to know why....

3. "The Harlem Shake"
This current craze is beyond annoying. It's stupefying.  It's not just the song, it's the abberant spasms it apparently causes it fans to break into. Including world-renowned basketball star Lebron James seen below. My youngest son and I were looking at this on a television at a local Pizza joint, both of us perplexed...."Is that guy dressed as Mario, Rob?", he asked quizzically...

"Yes, C.". I responded.  "Yes, he is...."

because I had nothing else to say....

Many songs, including the affore-mentioned "Gangnam Style" and "Cupid Shuffle", as irritating and unacceptable as they are, had some sort of an attempt at a dance....this just looks like a standing, lucid seizure....like Donald Sutherland at the end of 1978's "Invasion of the Body Snatchers", it just gives me the willies.  Or the Jeebs. Take your pick.

here it is.



 May God have mercy on our souls.

The last two are coming soon. I'm too exasperated by this at the moment, to finish.

The 70's: Sick Was Better Than "The Cure"

Nowadays, some kids embrace being ill. A chance to lie in bed, sleep late, hang out on the couch in front of Disney XD, or XL or XFL or whatever.... so many options with all the electronic handheld gizmos available. I'm not saying kids didn't pull that crap in my day.

 Most of us are familiar with Ferris Bueller's "cold and clammy hands", Elliot from E.T.'s "thermometer in the lightbulb" trick, or you could just plain make it sound like you were congested, which worked best if you had a hyper-sensitive, or overly fearful mom. You had to be careful what you wished for, however. My own kids complain about the taste of OTC meds and cough syrups....and my wife and I try to tell them:

"You have no idea."

 Does anyone remember the toxic sludges and gritty concoctions and snake oils of our youth?:

  

 Now I do remember this stuff having a D tacked onto the end of it's name....as if that gave it a military grade toughness that promised to kick your cold's ass, or maybe it was just "next level" Formula 44, for those heightened circumstances

...like maybe you had Ebola or something...

or just felt like whining like the insipid, crying whelp in this video, oddly an adult...

 Vicks Formula 44D....for the oncoming apocalyptic supercold...Stay Ready. Contact the CDC.

What about Aspergum??

Really? A gum, Mom? For my sore throat!!  Wow! It's Orange, too?  Great Lucifer's knee-pads!

Oh, God, it was awful.... and it did abso-freakin' lutely nothing for your throat...

Not one iota...

I swear that even those false-prophet, nothing but candy, Smith Brothers cough drops did more for that scratchy windpipe, if only by making you smile because they tasted so damn good. Aspergum were disgusting, not even remotely tasty enough to give you a placebo effect...Can't believe this trash made it past the testing phase....

Bayer’s Children’s Chewable Aspirin 

I don't know what flavor these children's aspirin were, some quasi-orange, maybe?

....oh, right, that's it,..."BAD", they were "BAD flavored".

... and as if the taste wasn't enough, they kicked up a funky dust in your mouth that blew down your throat and gave you a strange powdered sugar cough (just in case your other symptoms were lonely, and you hadn't developed a cough yet, St. Joe's or Bayer children was there for you.), and once again, relieved no symptoms. I don't think it even lowered a fever....

Sucrets. 

Wow. The varied flavors were all bad in Sucrets. Horrible.
So you have to sell it somehow. You can almost hear some mad scientist marketing exec throwing the ideas out there: "If we put them in a tin, kids will think they're cool and can carry them around. Mom's will want them to put buttons and pins and shit in. Plus, if we individually wrap this crap, it gives it an air of class. Like Twinkies or Hot Pockets."

Too bad nobody thought to put something of medicinal value in there.

So, my point is OTC meds have advanced exponentially since I was a kid. There's Theraflu, NyQuil, Mucinex....and while not outright cures, the products do greatly relieve the symptoms. And the taste of today's items, while not gourmet finger sandwiches, is infinitely better than the stuff back in the day of "Super Friends", Underoos, and Colorforms.

 I would have rather gone to school than take that crap.

Go Back To Vinyl. Jack Says So.

Below is a video from the man himself, Jack White III. Pay attention!!!

Cinenigmas: Peter Hyams

Peter Hyams has been around a long time.  I've been familiar with his name forever.....

Let me preface this by telling you that my thought process has, from youth, been that of a cinephile...names, particularly directors and producers as well as actors are never truly eradicated from my mind.  The same can be said with the monikers of baseball and football players absorbed from hours of game-watching and bubble gum card stacking, as well as music credits inhaled from much platter listening and album liner note reading...

So since childhood, the name of Peter Hyams has been rattling around in my skull due to the pre-cable pay channel (Spectrum was the outfit) viewing of a Sean Connery flick I barely remember called "Outland".  Forgive my memory, I was 9, but the name stuck, if the film didn't. So "Hyams"  always sparked something of an interest from a very young age.

And like Forrest Gump, AC/DC, and boy bands, he never goes away.

He is a director of some talent. He shoots films beautifully, (he's his own director of photography, not many save for Robert Rodriguez can say that) gets solid performances out of actors, tells a story well, and builds great action and suspense scenes....and damn, if he hasn't put together some snappy fight sequences. "TimeCop" and the Hong Kong theatrics of "The Musketeer" are prove positive of that.  (Now, "Sudden Death" has a battle royale in a kitchen between Jean Claude Van Damme and a giant Pittsburgh Penguin with some dead serious John Debney music behind it, that I hope was going for chuckles, because I don't want to associate Peter Hyams with unintentional laughter.)


Now, the reason for all this Peter Hyams related Hem & Haw is that I looked him back up recently after my wife and I were watching a second hand copy of his film "The Relic", which I had no clue he directed.  Damn my eyes.  My lovely inomorata and I enjoyed the hell out of "The Relic", that underrated little sci-fi/horror opus.  Surely, underrated is a word that can be tacked onto Mr. Hyams himself. His films are always better than critics give them credit for. They seem to fit neatly into the category of movies that are often only appreciated a few years after the fact. Now, unfortunate lackluster box office numbers may have something to do with the lack of familiarity of many of his movies, but he has had his share of successes. You don't direct for 30 plus  years in Hollywood if you pile one failure on top of the other.

He's had hits.  "Telefon", "Capricorn One", "2010", "Running Scared", "The Presidio", and "Narrow Margin", working with legends like Bronson, Connery (twice), Billy Crystal, Gene Hackman, Michael Douglas, Harrison Ford, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and of course, um, er....James Brolin and Jean Claude Van Damme.

His films look great. They really do, and he surprises, because he can't be genre pinned. He seems as comfortable with sci-fi (TimeCop, 2010, Outland) as he is with action (End of Days, Telefon, The Musketeer, Sudden Death), and even drama (Hanover Street, Narrow Margin, Beyond a Reasonable Doubt). That sets him apart into a class with folks like Rob Reiner, whom I adore,  and John Landis, whom I still can't figure out. You thought I was gonna say Spielberg, didn't you?  Let's not get nuts here.



 As he's approaching his 70th birthday, he's still busy spinning about. Although his second partnering with Michael Douglas, "Reasonable Doubt" failed, he soldiers on. He moonlights as cinematographer on his son John's films, and he has his third pairing with Van Damme coming soon, "Enemies Closer" with Tom Everett Scott and Orlando Jones. Before you ballyhoo that, take a look at Van Damme's recent oeuvre....it's not totally embarrassing fare the likes of Wesley Snipes, Dolph Lundgren, or (snicker, giggle) Steven Seagal. Unlike those 3, there's respectable material there.

Don't think Peter Hyams done just yet. No, he's never had that mega-box office smash, but his films aren't outright failures either, are memorable, and seem to age well for the most part.  Yes, underrated, as well as eclectic, is probably a good word to use for the New York born man of many tastes, as he's a gifted musician, a painter with works on display, and a former documentarian that has spent time as a CBS news anchor.

With a resume like that, I think the last thing to do is count Peter Hyams out. 

I Could Have Written That; Part One

Periodically, you'll hear that song on the radio, or being sang by one of your kids, that makes you cock your head, prick up your ears, and say: "Christ, man, what is that?!" (in my case, with an Irish accent, and a "feckin'' in there somewhere...) because it's a quandary beyond any other, how in God's name that song could get recorded, let alone be popular.


But it's a quasi-generational thing really, transcending space and time, down through the ages, into the quill-pen encrusted, foppish dandy-coated times, where I'm sure even Bill Shakespeare wandered down a filthy street, Shepherd's Pie in hand saying "Christ, man, what is that?!" (except in a hugely British brogue) to some down-on-his-luck minstrel trying his best to earn a buck through his talent or lack of it. (usually ignored through some "first two episodes of the season" "American Idol"-strength denial.)

So, with that in mind, here's a list of my Top 10 "How the Hell did that Happen?" songs.

10. The Offspring- "Get a Job". This song is an earsore if there ever was one. Annoying lyrics, Dexter's annoying whining voice, and a complete departure from their signature sound. Not that that's a bad thing, but where did this curveball come from?  Lyrically, I don't know who Dex & the Boys are trying to insult here, his friend with the girlfriend, or the girlfriend, or both. Either way, it's horrendous. Unacceptable.

9.  Musical Youth- "Pass the Dutchie". This one speaks for itself. You have a horrible hybrid of two mainstay reggae tunes, a blathering 12 year old vocalist whose lyrics are nearly unintelligible, and the original meaning now lifted. In a striking example of poetic justice, this abomination, which changed the drug reference of the original from pot to food, resulted in just giving the Weed Nation another nickname for their muse. Terrific. It's bad enough they have nothing else to talk about, they now have more ways to do it.

8.  The Bee Gees- "You Should Be Dancing".  Disco, just by the size of it's enormity, deserves to be chronicled as a page in music's history books, quality of the genre notwithstanding. However catchy some disco songs, even the ones done by the Gibb Machine, may be, some are unforgiveable.  "You Should be Dancing" is one of those songs. I could write another entire blog post about "Misheard Lyrics", but this one takes the cake. Barry's falsetto on this one so obscures the lyrics to "Whatcha doin' on your back?", that as a 6 year old, I thought he was saying "Stick it in your butt".  Case closed.

7.  PSY- "Gangnam Style".  Gangnam is an area south of the Han River in Seoul, Korea. Just over 500,000 citizens strong.  Apparently they have a community built on nerds boogieing down as well. Not to say it hasn't rung a bell with people, it's the first video to be viewed over a billion times on YouTube. "Gangnam Style" has become a calling card for it's era.  Move over Vanilla Ice, A-Ha, and David Naughton....here comes a little dude with glasses, crackin' Gangnam Style!!!

6.  Fine Young Cannibals "She Drives Me Crazy".  Now, earlier I have already mentioned my hatred of falsetto, and vocalist Roland Gift's usage of it is so unnecessary since tis song is already annoying. Plus, after seeing the video, I was stunned by Mr. Gift's striking similarity to actor Duane Jones. Hence, all I could visualize in my head was Ben in "Night of the Living Dead" getting gunned down by zombie hunters not realizing he was alive at the end of the movie. So the song annoys, then it depresses. A true double whammy.