Monday, February 22, 2010
"The photographs of God I bought have almost faded away"--Jesus & Mary Chain
I saw "Shutter Island" this weekend, and it may have been one of the more difficult to watch movies I've ever viewed. Not because of content itself, but because of how I've seen and read of all the various psychiatric maladies that many in the film suffered.
I'm wrapping the cloak around myself again.
The guys I work with see it. They don't care, but they see it. They think I'm crazy, not "wacky", "nutty", or "different". Insane. Gone.
I know where it comes from. I'm unreachable at times. I hate the "snap" reaction to questions, and when it happens, I often "shudder". A defense mechanism. When my mood makes a slight upswing, I get silly. That's not acceptable to them, either. I'm not falling in line, they don't understand me, therefore I am to be looked upon with disdain or even ridiculed for it.
In short, at my 8 year place of employment, in no way, shape, or form, am I allowed to be me. I can only do that at home.......
Do you know how confining that is? The weight that puts on a person? There are others like me out there, somewhere.
Where are they?
More talk, more meds, more......worry.
Now I've been told, it's just work, and co-workers, their opinions shouldn't matter. And really, when it comes down to brass tacks, it doesn't. But my co-workers are the only people I see on a day to day basis.....
The world's a quiet, cold place when that happens.....and then I bring out the cloak.
I'm gonna be quiet for a while.